need the silent violent seduction

I’m so tired of having to deal with all of this shit day in day out when others simply don’t. Anorexia, depression, anxiety disorders, a personality disorder? Seriously? Seriously seriously?

Those things stunt you, those things hold you back, even if you’re mostly functional despite them, like I feel I am. It’s a fact and I’m not usually the “Woe is me!” type of person, but it’s so so so unfair. My sister’s diabetes doesn’t hold her back like this and my friend’s asthma doesn’t either, hell, not even my cousin’s Morbus Crohn has such an overwhelming effect on literally everything.

I’m so fed up with this shit today, it’s costing so much time and money and opportunities, friendships both existing and possible, moments that could be spent frolicking about and not withering in mental anguish.

I’m so tired of trying to fight this when all it does is come back with a vengeance. I feel so powerless even with a set of tools in hands.

I should be sitting in lecture right now but ugh, anxiety anxiety anxiety and distress, and racing heart and trembling hands and nausea and trying to distract myself through tumblr although it’s nothing short of ridiculous to stay home for 90 minutes longer as the things causing my anxiety need to take place today no matter what (unrelated to work, although I wish noon’d come sooner).

Get me out of here.　

And my boyfriend shouldn’t be berating me for not attending that concert tonight. It’s a mental condition and it’s called social anxiety/social phobia. You might have gotten over your initial shyness and hermit-like lifestyle and made (&kept) friends but obviously being an introvert does not equal suffering from social phobia. He of all people should know, he’s witnessed so many situations and anxiety attacks over the years. Idk. I am sick of being chastised for things like that, it’s nothing I do on purpose, same goes for cutting (&purging and restricting, though these can more easily be hid).

I’m not a child, I AM able to rationally sort through ALL of it and see the merits & disadvantages. Being scolded like a naughty little girl isn’t going to impress my mental disorders.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

I don’t know anything

I mean I went to her choir concert last year and it ended up being a very dreadful experience for me.

So, no, I won’t be going. Just trying to figure out whether my therapist would file this under “self care” or “avoidance”. It’s a bit of both.

To go or not to go to my friend’s choir performance … I don’t feel like it, but it’s only a ten minute walk from where I live and it’s not like I got anything better to do.

Nowadays we only meet once a year and all her choir friends will be there and she’ll be going to Japan with her boyfriend during summer and she’s studying medicine at uni and and and and and and. Not sure if I can handle so much perfectness right now. I think I’ll go for a walk instead and ask her out for coffee, just the two of us, at another time.　

This job I’m starting is literally buying me time. It should be keeping me busy, it is providing me with a goal (July 31st, goal is for it to be over), and I’ll be making some money. Time well spent, time free from thoughts tormenting me, whispering “You’re lazy, you’re spoiled, you’re not productive enough.” Salary in hand it is buying me a few more months to justify living like this. Making money is what life is really all about.

I cannot shake the feeling that all I do is procrastinate, subconsciously but by intention delay things, delay life, out of fear of change and possible failure and also because I am in no position to tell where I’m at, where I’m headed, and even less where I want to go.

Just trying to stay afloat and not drown on a day to day basis.

When we were going through clothing/uniform requirements at my job training, i sneakily asked if it was possible to wear a long-sleeved shirt underneath the company T-shirt in case it got cold. Short answer: it’s undesirable and not welcome.

This is making Monday that much more interesting. I’m not ashamed of my scars, but I definitely don’t want to get any shit for them. I can always order a company cardigan or jumper, it takes a day or two though to reach my store.

woohoo, I’m finally home! Travel is exhausting. Now catching up on the internets. 　

Blah

That’s why I dislike being here:[[readmore]] boyfriend is out on a walk with his brother, trains go once an hour from town 30mins away, but I can’t just leave earlier and on my own bc I’m/we’re dependent on R (bf’s brother) driving me/us to the station. I’m so trapped, I want to be home, and P (bf) promised we’d leave “early afternoon at the very latest” and it’s 17.26 already. Now waiting for the boys to return & having coffee with their gran, so the earliest train we are going to catch goes at 19.09 which marks our arrival in Vienna at 21 o’clock, or even later.

That’s not how i had planned it in my head & it presents a real problem to me if things divert from my plans. Usually I’m autonomous but here I’m dependent and i dislike the taste.

My hip joints (acetabulofemural) ache so much today, I feel like an old woman. Idk, by now I’m used to achey joints (especially the hip, especially in the mornings), but today is bad. The damp weather perhaps, or sleeping on an old spring mattress last night. Old woman, like I said. I regret not taking that DEXA-scan two and a half or so years ago, the state my bones are in has certainly not improved since. Idk if I can request a referral from my GP (well, I can request it, question is if I will be granted it), insurance usually only covers bone density scans for women older than 60 or so. (My previous referral had been from the ED outpatient clinic I attended back then.)there’s always so much family to visit here, i wanna be on the way home already …